hey, everybody, it's bob and david !
( Audience applauding )
Dear david cross,
My name is bob odenkirk.
Although we have never met,
I would like to do A tv show with you.
( Audience laughing )
Please respond. Signed, a stranger.
( Audience laughing )
Dear david cross,
Obviously, you don't Take me very seriously.
Have i offended you ?
You big fairy.
Now have i Offended you ?
Let me know. Bob odenkirk.
Dear globo-chem,
I recently had an Unpleasant experience
With a package Of creamy doodles.
Please send me as many Free products as possible.
Love, david cross.
Dear david "never writes back And now he's a dead man" cross,
How does it feel To be a dead man ?
Praying to god won't help.
Your killer, bob odenkirk.
( Audience laughing )
Hey, bob, What's up ?
Oh, hey there, tom.
Say, could you Do me a favor ?
I haven't had a chance To mail these letters.
They've been Piling up.
Could you, uh-- Could you take care Of that for me ?
Yeah, no Problem.
Oh, thank You very much.
( Audience laughing )
( Gasping ) Oh, boy !
Dear globo-chem,
Somebody is Trying to kill me !
Please send me as many Free products as possible.
Love, david cross.
( Audience laughing )
( Swooshing )
( Mailbox door clanging shut )
Fuck. Hey !
Bring it on in.
All righty.
Mail-order bride, huh ?
Oh, sure. How Ugly could she be ?
( Both laughing )
Oh, yeah ! Hello !
( All applauding )
Hotsy mama !
Whoo !
Well, welcome To mr. Show. I'm bob odenkirk.
And i'm David cross.
All right !
( Audience cheering )
Ok.
Now, uh, david,
What do you say we start With the carnival sketch ?
Ok !
All right.
( Audience laughing )
This doesn't Seem very fair.
( Audience laughing )
Kisses ! Kisses !
75 cents !
Get your kisses !
Hey, homo, how 'Bout a kiss ?
I-i'm not gay.
Oh, yeah ? Prove it !
What, by kissing you ?
Sure ! If you can kiss Me and not get aroused,
That means you're not gay.
Oh, i guess.
There ! See ?
You call that a Kiss, you big queen ?
How about some tongue ?
( Audience laughing )
Uh, no way !
Well, a real man Who's confident in His heterosexuality
Wouldn't let that Bother him a bit.
He'd french like There's no tomorrow !
I don't know.
Hey, everybody, Look at the big girl !
Where's your Purse, ma'am ?
Shut up ! Ok !
All right, and take The dress off, too.
I want a feel, While i'm at it.
Hey, stop it ! Man, this is wrong !
I can't believe this, Bob. I'm sorry, lady.
You know, geez !
Bob, i could've Done this part.
I don't know, david, I just didn't think you'd Found the character's voice.
What character ? She's playing me.
Oh, i know what This is about.
It's about the kiss.
Bob, men can kiss.
( Audience laughing )
Men can get married.
I mean, they even Have a pill now
That lets men make Love to each other.
( Audience laughing )
Here, watch this.
It's called a Gay porno film.
( Audience laughing )
( Disco music playing )
( Audience laughing )
( Mellow jazz music playing )
( Upbeat saxophone music Playing )
( Sighing ) Geez, honey, i didn't Think you'd be pissed.
This is our honeymoon.
It's about us, our New life together.
Yeah, well, Our new life
Is just an extension of The lives we were leading.
I mean... Come on, i love you.
I love you, too.
Hey, jerry.
( Mumbling Through toothbrush )
Great, man, they Don't have sega genesis On board, only nintendo.
Oh, it doesn't matter,
I'm just so glad to Be here with you guys.
I love you Both, i really do.
I love you, man.
I love you, jerry.
( Laughing ) Aw !
( Audience laughing )
Yeah. Oh, sweetie.
I love you. Oh, hmm. "I do."
"Oh, i do, too." "Wait, no, I do even more."
( Laughing ) That's you guys at The wedding today.
( Laughing ) Ah, jesus !
Ah, that shit Was hilarious.
Ah...Ooh !
God, i gotta Take a crap !
Ooh. Todd, hand Me that hustler.
( Audience laughing )
Thanks a lot, man.
Sure, buddy.
You know, i thought This was going to be ok,
But it's not, It's not ok.
Oh, well, don't Worry, honey. You'll get used to it.
Even sailors get sick The first few hours out.
No ! It's just the boat--
It's jerry !
I don't understand Why he's here.
Didn't it ever occur to you
That his presence Might be intrusive...
Not to mention unnecessary ?
Whoa, whoa, whoa !
Since when are Friends necessary ?
That's kind of a Shitty thing to say.
No ! He shouldn't be Here, he's like A 3rd wheel.
( Guitar playing )
( David ) * Legend, a legend
* The 3rd wheel legend
* Always in the way *
( Audience laughing )
What do you mean, Calling jerry A 3rd wheel ?
He's my friend, he's Your friend, too.
He says nothing but Good things about you.
I don't care. This is weird.
How are we gonna Make love tonight With him in the room ?
Are you serious ? Jerry, get in here !
Hey, buddy, i'm Gettin' laid tonight !
Oh, man, that's great ! Yeah !
Oh, god, we gotta Celebrate. I'll go Get some beers.
Yeah. Hey, after This, we gotta Get you some.
( Both men cheering )
What's the Matter, babe ?
No ! Don't "babe" me, There's something wrong here,
And i don't want to Make love to you tonight.
Why? Are you Bleeding ?
Oh, my god, no !
Listen to you.
This is ridiculous !
I can't make Love to you
With that 3rd Wheel hanging around.
( Guitar playing )
* Legend, a legend
* The 3rd wheel legend
* Always in the way *
What do you mean, Calling jerry a...
Well, a 3rd wheel ?
* Legend, legend, 3rd wheel legend *
* Always in the way *
( Audience laughing )
You know, he's In the way...
Like a 3rd wheel.
* Legend, a legend
* The 3rd wheel legend
* Always in the way
* Ay-yeah
* Ay-ay-yeah
* Yeah, hey, whoa
* He's in the way
* He's in the way, Oh, yeah *
* That legend's Always in the way *
* He's in the way
* He's in the way, Oh, lord *
* That 3rd wheel's Always in the way *
* He's in the way
( Chorus ) * He's in the way
( All ) * That 3rd wheel's Always in the way *
* Get out the way
( All ) * That 3rd wheel's Always in the way *
* Who invited you ?
( All ) * He's always in the way
* You don't want it hid * You don't want it hid
* You don't want it Hid, no, no, no, no *
( All ) * That 3rd wheel's Always in the way *
* He's in the way
( All ) * That 3rd wheel's Always in the way *
Yeah !
( Audience applauding )
Whoa ! Wait, wait, Wait, wait a second.
I am hearing all This talk about a...
Extra round thingy,
But, uh...
You know, where would We be without those... Roundies.
I mean, uh...
Tricycles would be bicycles.
Who ever heard of a bicycle ?
That's crazy !
Look, we need 3rd wheels.
We need 3rd wheels.
Jerry ?
Yeah ?
What's the matter, Man? Aren't You gonna sing ?
No.
I heard what you Were saying about me
Being a 3rd Wheel and all.
Maybe i should Just leave.
No, maybe i Should go.
I mean, i can't Believe this is how i'm Spending my honeymoon.
Wait, wait, wait A second, honey.
Who's to say what a Honeymoon should be ?
I mean, what does The word even mean ?
"Honey" and "moon" ? It's nonsense.
For all we know, We're in jerry's way.
I never thought Of it that way.
The poor guy's been Looking forward to this Since we got engaged.
Yeah. Hey, you're onto Something here.
I mean, heck,
I'm no dictionary Expert, but
Maybe the word means
To charter a boat And send it out With nobody aboard.
Hmm. Hey, You know what ?
Let's all apologize To this boat,
And then let's promise Never to use the word "Honeymoon" ever again.
Ok. Yeah.
All right !
The tyranny of the word "Honeymoon" is over !
( Audience applauding )
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Folks, if i May speak, uh...
An actor is only as Good as his words,
And i'd like to introduce The writer of that piece,
Peter kancatancten.
Peter.
( Audience applauding )
Well, guys, what did You think of the scene ?
Oh, peter,
I got it. I got Exactly what you Were trying to say.
It was...
Thank you, ken.
Jerry ? Y-yeah.
I, um, i'm not sure if I got the point of it.
I thought it was a little Too serious at the end,
All that stuff About the tyranny of The word "honeymoon."
What do you mean, "too Serious" ? It's absurd.
"The tyranny of the Word 'honeymoon.'"
It was a joke.
You don't get it, Do you, jerry ?
No, you'll never get it.
That scene was about you.
Duh.
You're the 3rd wheel.
Is this about Your honeymoon ?
Ken and i Love each other.
We are a Legally-recognized, Married gay couple.
Why won't you Leave us alone ?
Oh, just get Out, jerry.
Just leave us The hell alone !
I can't believe this !
I thought we Were friends !
We were friends. Now i hate you.
We. We.
We hate you.
Get out !
Fine ! Well, I hate you, too, then.
I hate you guys, Too. You could've Just told me !
Jerks. Leave us alone, jerry !
Get out !
You're ugly ! You all do Whatever you want to do !
You do not talk To him that way !
Do not let Her hurt you !
Get out, you Broken-down fag hag !
( Announcer ) welcome back to screwballz !
All right, well, let's See who our audience
Chose for you To have sex with.
Melanie, the waitress !
Ha !
So what do you say ? You Want to have sex with her ?
That's--that's fine.
All righty. We'll see You when you're...
"Done."
( Laughing )
Remember the rules--
Just go have some sex.
( Audience cheering And applauding )
Ok, let's say hello again
To fred and beth, our Couple from earlier,
Who just "finished up."
Well, according to The judges, fred did.
( Audience laughing )
( Audience applauding )
Oh, all right, fred.
Ooh, that's a Strong handshake.
How did it go ?
Well, jim, she's Truly a beautiful, Magnanimous creature.
You know, when i saw Her, i thought i should
Take her for a Romantic walk around to The left side of the bed--
No, no, no, wait. Wait a minute, jim.
There was Nothing romantic.
Ho-ho ! Sounds like There was some friction Before the friction.
( Audience laughing )
I was trying to be A gentleman about it.
You know-- A gentleman ?
Jim, it Was awful !
I've never met this Person before, you know ?
The judges are Sitting there watching us.
It was cold, It was ugly !
Ooh. I'm ashamed.
( Audience catcalling )
Sounds like it didn't Work out too well,
But you had sex, and we Enjoyed hearing about it.
Didn't we ?
And we got to Be on the tv.
Ok. That's right.
Ok, now the Important question--
Fred, do you Want to have sex With beth again ?
I would love to.
( Audience cheering )
How 'bout you, beth ? We'll pay for it.
No, thanks.
( Audience groaning )
Too bad. Well, fred, You know what that means--
We'll give you $20 to Masturbate into a cup.
Ok, sounds great.
Good. All right,
Thank you for joining Us, that's all the Time we've got tonight
On screwballz !
Jim, i just want To say, i could
Contribute more To the show.
I could come back, You know, because
I have a very warm, Engaging personality.
You know, I'm an aries
On the cusp of A libra-pisces,
You know, so i got A-- i can quantify.
you know, ver--ver-- i have a veracitude.
Whoo, boy !
That last character David did might be insulting To some people, huh ?
Well, america, here's Your chance to fight back.
Just videotape Yourself at home
Complaining about our Show, and send it in.
If we use it, we might Make you a star, huh ?
Here's a few we've Already received--
i have never...
ever...
Ever...
Never...
Ever...
Never...
Hello.
I'd like to complain About your show.
Now, i've never watched your Show, nor do i intend to,
Because, you know what ? I don't watch trash.
You know why ? The place For trash is in the gutter,
Not my mind.
You know what else i'd Like to complain about ?
This city i live in--
They're suing me for putting My trash in the gutter.
They say i should put It in a trash can.
Well, you know what Belongs in a trash can ?
Your show !
Because, you know What ? It stinks !
And you know what else ? Get out of my house !
But you said i Should tape you.
Get out !
Never...
Never-never-nen...
Never-eenero...
( Sighing ) You guys are pretty funny.
How 'bout if i come down There and kick your asses ?
How 'bout that ?
That'd be fuckin' funny. That'd be fuckin' hilarious.
Guess what ? As soon as I get this bad boy off,
I'm coming for you.
Hold the fuckin' Camera straight.
8 months and 12 days, and I'm gonna fuckin' be there.
( Laughing )
Never-nev...
Novenbahn...
Venvervevry...
Furry...
( Growling )
( Boinging noise )
( Audience applauding )
All righty ! That's our winner.
Now remember,
Everybody who Sends one in receives A free t-shirt that says
"Official pussy Inspector" on it.
( Audience laughing )
So get out your video cameras,
And have plenty of tape ready,
Because i'm sure you'll find Something to complain about
in this next scene.
casa...
san piazza...
del sol...
la luna.
The house...
Of the place...
Of the sun...
Of the moon.
A beautiful home, and The current residence
Of america's most Dedicated actor,
Borden grote.
For borden's first role,
As an extra in A crowd scene,
He spent weeks Studying crowds--
How they walk, Talk and generally...
Crowd around.
For a 15-second cameo In mel brooks' flop
badman whatever, He played a doctor,
And he actually attended Medical school for 2 years.
Now, borden has taken on His greatest challenge yet.
First of all,
Thank you, borden, for Granting us this interview.
( Audience laughing )
Okay.
The rumor mills Are churning.
The film you're Currently preparing for
Involves abuses at A mental institution.
Now, word has it
That in order to Play the lead role
As realistically as you can,
You have had the frontal Lobe of your brain removed
And replaced With bubble-wrap.
Is any of that true ?
( Muttering sounds )
( Audience laughing )
Aah !
( Groaning )
All right.
My next question Concerns the oscar.
( Screaming )
( Rattling noise )
( Host ) speaking of awards,
i met borden's full-time chef, fontaine,
and watched as he prepared an oscar-winning lunch.
Are you making, um,
Spaghetti and jelly, There ? Is that what i--
Yeah, it's, ah-- It's his favorite lately.
It's, um, Very textural.
Mm-hmm, you Hear that, borden ?
Textural spaghetti And jelly.
( Guttural noises )
Is that good ?
( Barking )
( Audience laughing )
( Barking )
Good !
Thank you.
( Host ) after lunch, i got to know
borden's personal secretary, billy t.
Boy ! And in the 11 years That you've known borden,
Has he changed Much, would you say ?
He's the same borden From minnesota that He's always been.
All right, Slide and turn.
Good boy, come on.
Slide and turn, Slide and turn.
Here we go.
( Yelling )
Hey, hey, Hey, come on.
Wait a minute. Are We having bad time ?
Are we having bad time ?
( Doorbell ringing )
Hey ! Sy's here.
( Yelling )
( Audience laughing )
( Rattling noise )
( Host ) as luck would have it,
borden's high-powered agent, sy talbot,
dropped in just in time for borden's daily workout.
( Grunting )
( Panting )
I can't work Out, myself.
I can't either.
It takes so Much discipline.
This is a high-impact, Full-body workout.
He works out Every day ?
Every day, for 17 Hours. That's ok,
That's why we put The chair there.
Hey ! Look Who's here !
We made it ! Ha-ha, sy !
( Yelling )
Whoa.
through the evening, celebrities such as
soul-singing sensation, larry black...
Ladies !
Hey, y'all !
and hot college comic, blueberry head,
continued arriving.
Whoa !
( Laughing )
borden's, it seems,
is the place to be.
young hollywood gathers each night for fun and frivolity.
( All laughing )
It's a Paper-cup hat !
Hey, you can turn It upside down.
( All laughing )
but despite the levity,
our host seemed lost in thought.
and so ended my day with borden grote--
a man who suffers for his art gladly,
and softens our suffering by doing so.
Ho-ho-ho-hold on.
I'm doing a Show tonight.
Huh !
Well, i think It's tonight.
I--i should probably Write those things down.
( Sighing )
( Audience laughing )
( Announcer ) ladies and gentlemen, mr. Larry black.
( Audience laughing And applauding )
this is one for the ladies.
ha-ha ! Ladies, you know who you are.
men,
take it outside.
( Audience laughing )
( Soul music playing )
okay, the men are gonna stick around.
all right, fine, guys, i'm just gonna forget you're here.
( Sighing )
all right.
* tonight's the night
* we'll make love
* tonight
* no more waiting
* no hesitating
* just you and me
* in my bed
* tonight, tonight, tonight
heh-heh.
* it's gonna be all right *
* yeah
( Speaking ) * tonight
* a night that will live in ecstasy *
* friday
* love day
heh-heh.
is it--is it thursday ?
oh, ho-hold on, baby, hold on.
( Audience laughing )
oh, damn it !
we were gonna do this tomorrow night !
my mistake, baby, i'm sorry.
why do i even buy these things
if i'm not gonna check 'em ?
( Laughing )
i need a reminder to look at my reminder !
( Laughing )
all righty.
well, i'll tell ya, tonight i've got some...
i've gotta do some work.
uh, i gotta call some people.
i'm gonna pencil you in for tomorrow night.
tomorrow night,
yours and yours alone.
oh, goddamn it ! My brother's coming in tomorrow !
damn it ! I have to pick him up at the airport at noon.
why don't i get all my shit in one place ?
* tonight's the night we'll make love *
* some night no more waiting *
ha-ha !
* no hesitating
* just you and me
* and my brother and his dog
( Phone ringing )
god ! Fuck !
fuck it !
I'm singing a song !
hold on a second, baby.
Who is this ?
This is your supermodel Calling service.
My name's nicki.
( Announcer ) how would you like to have real supermodels
calling you at home ?
Really ? Calling me ?
that's right.
there are thousands of supermodels waiting to talk to you
round the clock !
Thousands ? Clock ?
order the supermodel calling service
using any major credit card, and soon
you'll be getting calls from the world's
most beautiful women !
( Phone ringing )
Hello ?
Your name is orika ?
My name is andre.
You sound sexy.
you'll never again be further than
a phone call away from a supermodel !
Ok, thanks. Bye.
Wow !
( Phone ringing )
Hello ?
Alexa ?
My name is andre.
How are you ?
( Announcer ) that's right !
not just one supermodel will call you,
but thousands from around the world
are at your fingertips !
I can't understand you.
Good-bye.
( Phone ringing )
Hello ?
Lizette ?
once you pay the one-time fee,
the calls start coming and coming !
Ok, bye !
( Phone ringing )
( Announcer ) you can run, but you can't hide
from supermodels !
( Phone ringing )
( Cell phone ringing )
( Phone ringing )
( Electronic female voice ) 1,422 messages.
1,612 messages.
( Audience applauding )
Ok !
That was--
That was our entrant From cleveland,
Anthony blates, with supermodel horror film .
An interesting note-- That film was made
For $300
Out of film that Anthony carved himself
From scrap lumber.
( Audience laughing )
So, uh...
Let's move on. The next entry
In my personal Film festival
Is a gay porn Filmstrip--
Why won't you Show my movie ?
Please, sir.
It's a gay porn Filmstrip entitled--
voyage to the bottom of my seat,
And--
I said--
"Why won't you Show my movie ?"
Sir, you didn't follow The correct procedure.
But i don't want to Have sex with you.
( Audience laughing )
I don't make the rules.
Yes, you do.
Well, this is neither The time nor the place, All right ?
Yes, it is, It's both.
Man, look at This program.
See ?
"Staged protest, right Before fancy pants."
( Audience laughing )
Fancy pants ? Yeah.
Sounds weird. Well, look, i don't--
Show my movie !
Ho...
Show it ! Show it !
Sh-sh-show it !
( accordion music playing )
What the hell ?
( Grunting )
( Yelling karate-style )
Hi-yah !
( Yelling )
David, here !
( Yelling )
Here, david, Save yourself !
Hey ! Ho !
( Yelling )
( Groaning )
( Yelling )
( Roaring )
( Moaning )
No, no !